“This is where I had a purpose” – Capt. Montgomery Scott

I have an honest confession for all of you.  I am a sci-fi geek.  I was raised watching the original Star Trek with my dad.  I enjoyed all the characters from the original series, but one in particular was my favorite.  The hard-working miracle worker, Chief Engineer Montgomery Scott (Scotty).  There was something special about him that made me smile.

Many years later when they started The Next Generation I saw they did an homage to the original series by bringing in some of the original cast for guest appearances.  Of those, my favorite was an episode entitled “Relics”.

The crew of the new Enterprise find a crashed Federation ship and go in to investigate.  There they discover that the transporter has been jerry-rigged as a type of life boat for the only survivor, Captain Scott, Retired.

Scotty shows his usual enthusiasm for anything related to engineering and steps in to help Lt. LaForge.  Unfortunately, 75 years have elapsed since the last time Scotty has worked on a warp engine and Scotty isn’t able to be the miracle-worker in engineering.

A dejected Scotty finds himself in the holodeck with a bottle of alien whiskey asking to be shown the bridge of the original Enterprise.

He is soon joined by Captain Picard and as they speak Scotty expresses what he’s feeling.

Scotty: “I don’t belong on your ship.  I belong on this one. (Meaning the holographic ship they’re on) This was my home.  This is where I had a purpose.  But it’s not real.  It’s just a computer generated fantasy. (sighs)  And I’m just an old man who’s trying to hide in it.  Computer, shut this bloody thing off.  It’s time I acted my age.”

He leaves with Picard looking at Scotty with compassion in his eyes.

Later Picard asks LaForge about some data that they needed to acquire from Scotty’s crashed ship.  Picard suggests that Scotty would be helpful in obtaining the information and asks LaForge to personally assist with this task as well.  Picard makes his request with this statement:

“Look, this is not an order.  It’s a request and one that you must feel perfectly free to decline.  You see, one of the most important things in a persons’ life is to feel useful.  Now, Mr. Scott is a Starfleet Officer and I would like him to feel useful again.”

I won’t post any spoilers for those who’ve not seen this but now want to. The upshot is by LaForge engaging Scotty in an area where he’s useful and taking some time to allow himself to be mentored by a more experienced engineer they both gain and grow from the experience.  In the end Scotty is able to show he still deserves the title of ‘Miracle-Worker’.

This episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation demonstrated one of the things I always appreciated about this and the original Star Trek.  The way they took on real life issues in the fantasy world of space travel.

We all need to feel useful.  We all need to feel like our lives have meaning.  We all need a purpose to give us a reason to get up in the morning.

As our loved ones get older and are no longer able to be as independent as they were it is easy for them to become depressed.  We need to acknowledge the impact they’ve made in our lives and in the world.  We need to let them know they still have a purpose in our lives and the world.  Even sharing their stories and things they’ve learned through experience will enrich the community around them.

Engage with the seniors in your family.  Encourage them in the ways they still make a difference and have a purpose.  Tell them how much their presence in your life enriches it.

Change their statement of “This is where I HAD a purpose.” to “This is where I HAVE a purpose”

As an interesting side note, James Doohan who played Scotty, died just over a decade after this episode was filmed.  He died from Alzheimer’s disease.

Advertisements

24/7/365

When caring for someone with dementia or any other illness that robs a person of being able to do for themselves you really sign on for a job that’s 24/7/365.

You help with bathing, dressing, grooming as needed.  You make sure meals are prepared and hope they’re well received.  You make sure doctor’s appointments are made and gotten to on time.  You make sure that doctor’s orders for treatments and medications are followed.  You keep your loved one safe from others and often themselves.  You are their protector, shoulder to lean on, and champion.  You give wholly of yourself for their welfare.  Your entire focus is on their needs.  You are their hero.

This is the life of a caregiver.  This is part of the reason I love what I do.  I get to be the hero to the caregiver.  I come along side them and offer them a chance to recharge their batteries.  I step in for a few hours to take some of the burden from their shoulders.  I look them in the eye and say, “I’ve got this, go take some time to be good to yourself.”

For a caregiver to have a few precious hours to take care of themselves is huge.  It is a chance to breathe.  It is a chance to connect with the outside world.  It is an opportunity to decompress from the stresses of life.

So, dear caregiver, here’s hoping you have someone in your life who can say “I’ve got this for a while, go take some time to be good to yourself.”

For those of you who know a caregiver, could you think about coming alongside them?  Even a few hours can make a huge impact on the caregiver’s ability to continue.

How can you do a job like that? I could NEVER do something like that!

love best medicine

When I began my journey as a caregiver I had people asking me how I could do such a thing, that they would never be able to do that.  They wanted to know how I could stand to see to the most personal needs of my father and then grandfather.  They couldn’t understand how I could find the compassion and patience to spend 30 to 45 minutes feeding my dad four or five times a day.

The simple answer is they’re family and that’s what family does.  The deeper explanation is, they did it for me.  From the time I was born my family has been there caring for me.  THEY changed my diapers.  THEY fed me.  THEY dressed me.  THEY bathed me.  I spit up and threw up on THEM.  I bled on THEM.  When I cried THEY comforted me.  THEY taught me, loved me and encouraged me.  How can I not reciprocate when THEIR time of need comes?

To that people will often concede the point but now that I have lost both Dad and Grandpa they ask why I continue to do this for strangers.

The honest truth is two-fold.  First of all, once I meet the people I am charged with providing care for they are no longer strangers.  They become surrogate family members.  I care for who they are as a person.  I try to learn about who they are, what makes them happy and how to encourage them.   They often have as much of a positive influence on my life as I hopefully have on theirs.

Second, I think of all the people outside of my family who had an impact on who I am today … teachers, neighbors, family friends, camp counselors, clergy, and random strangers providing random acts of kindness.  Most of these people are no longer in my life, but each of the people I care for were the teachers, neighbors, family friend, camp counselor, clergy or random stranger providing random acts of kindness for someone else.  So in my mind, in some odd concept of karma or whatever way you’d put it, I am returning the favor to a stranger in hopes that someone else is doing the same for those non-family members who had a positive influence on my life.

I have another reason for doing what I do.  I have seven wonderful nephews and four awesome nieces.   I believe the best way to show the future generation how to be compassionate, active, caring adults is by example.  I hope that by demonstrating to them how we should care for our family and strangers that I will have done my part to make the future just that much brighter.

So, to answer the question “How can I do something like what I do?”

I do it joyfully with hope, compassion and love.

90 going on 3 …

90 going on 3 … what does that mean?

There is a fine line for caregivers to take as their loved one’s dementia progresses.  To honor and respect the person  you want to treat them as an adult, capable of making decisions for themselves.  Reality often comes to bite you when you realize their choices aren’t best decisions for their safety and welfare.  You honestly can’t allow them to go out in a snowstorm in shorts and a t-shirt, nor is eating candy for every meal a good option.

So, in reality what 90 going on 3 means is you have an adult (parent, grandparent, spouse …) who because of their disease now has the reasoning capacity of a 3 year old.

How do you continue to honor and respect your loved one, keep them safe, and allow them to have a say in their daily life?

The first thing is to give them simple choices and keep it to a minimum of 2 (maybe 3) options to choose from.  By giving them completely open options you will overwhelm them and will not get a positive outcome.

Pick out clothes that are weather appropriate – grab two tops of different colors and ask which they’d prefer.

Ask them if they’d prefer ham or turkey on their sandwich.  Or if they’d prefer green beans or peas with the meatloaf.

Would they prefer milk or tea?

Would they like to visit a park or a go listen to a concert?

Sometimes when trying to give my grandpa a choice of restaurant I would tell him “We can go to X – they have (a dish he liked at X) or we can go to Y – they have (a dish he liked at Y)”.

If we were going to a restaurant he’d never eaten at (or hadn’t been to in a long time), he would look at the huge menus and couldn’t make heads or tails of it. He would get so overwhelmed that he’d simply order whatever I ordered – even if it wasn’t something he liked.  I would usually take the menu and start by finding the drinks and ask him if he wanted something hot or cold to drink.  We would start there.  Then I would ask him if he was in the mood for fish, poultry or beef.  Then I would help him narrow down the menu to a couple of selections.  Once we got to that point he would be able to make his decision about what he wanted to eat.

Keep these to things that are immediately relevant, they won’t necessarily remember their choices hours later.  (E.g.: They won’t remember in the morning that the night before they wanted to wear a blue shirt.)

Now you are allowing your loved one some control over their daily life AND keeping them safe.  By following this technique you will usually find that there are fewer conflicts.

24/7/365

When caring for someone with dementia or any other illness that robs a person of being able to do for themselves you really sign on for a job that’s 24/7/365.

You help with bathing, dressing, grooming as needed.  You make sure meals are prepared and hope they’re well received.  You make sure doctor’s appointments are made and gotten to on time.  You make sure that doctor’s orders for treatments and medications are followed.  You keep your loved one safe from others and often themselves.  You are their protector, shoulder to lean on, and champion.  You give wholly of yourself for their welfare.  Your entire focus is on their needs.  You are their hero.

This is the life of a caregiver.  This is part of the reason I love what I do.  I get to be the hero to the caregiver.  I come along side them and offer them a chance to recharge their batteries.  I step in for a few hours to take some of the burden from their shoulders.  I look them in the eye and say, “I’ve got this, go take some time to be good to yourself.”

For a caregiver to have a few precious hours to take care of themselves is huge.  It is a chance to breathe.  It is a chance to connect with the outside world.  It is an opportunity to decompress from the stresses of life.

So, dear caregiver, here’s hoping you have someone in your life who can say “I’ve got this for a while, go take some time to be good to yourself.”

For those of you who know a caregiver, could you think about coming alongside them?  Even a few hours can make a huge impact on the caregiver’s ability to continue.

24/7/365

When caring for someone with dementia or any other illness that robs a person of being able to do for themselves you really sign on for a job that’s 24/7/365.

You help with bathing, dressing, grooming as needed.  You make sure meals are prepared and hope they’re well received.  You make sure doctor’s appointments are made and gotten to on time.  You make sure that doctor’s orders for treatments and medications are followed.  You keep your loved one safe from others and often themselves.  You are their protector, shoulder to lean on, and champion.  You give wholly of yourself for their welfare.  Your entire focus is on their needs.  You are their hero.

This is the life of a caregiver.  This is part of the reason I love what I do.  I get to be the hero to the caregiver.  I come along side them and offer them a chance to recharge their batteries.  I step in for a few hours to take some of the burden from their shoulders.  I look them in the eye and say, “I’ve got this, go take some time to be good to yourself.”

For a caregiver to have a few precious hours to take care of themselves is huge.  It is a chance to breathe.  It is a chance to connect with the outside world.  It is an opportunity to decompress from the stresses of life.

So, dear caregiver, here’s hoping you have someone in your life who can say “I’ve got this for a while, go take some time to be good to yourself.”

For those of you who know a caregiver, could you think about coming alongside them?  Even a few hours can make a huge impact on the caregiver’s ability to continue.

I want to be a part of the solution

There are so many misconceptions about dementia, so much pain in the diagnosis and heartache for caregivers trying their best.  I’ve experienced this personally with my dad and grandpa.  I see it daily when working with my clients and their families.  I see it when I am out and around in public.

My goals are simple here.  I want to offer encouragement to caregivers and families.  I want to be a source of information.  I want to be a resource for someone with questions.

I will keep plugging away at my blog and hope to reach more people every day.  I have a request for all of those who already see these posts: